Your past makes who you are today?

Do you believe that to be true?.. That your past effects who you are today?

Or IF YOU ALLOW it to, then it does?

Sadly, everyday I let my past rule me. I've been labeled a fat girl my whole life, life experiences and things that I've gone through as a teenager STILL greatly affect me today. Being labeled something your whole life, regardless if you think it to be true.. can really bring you down. I really wish that I could turn that switch off to realize that people don't need to carry around their pasts with them.

Looking back on this year, it really hasn't been a great one. I've lost contact with people that I really loved and lost love for myself. I used to be a fun girl who was up for anything regardless of her weight.. now I love food more than I really love myself. I have no self respect, no self love. I expect to find love.. but I don't even love myself. Maybe I just forgot what it feels like to be happy with myself, to be satisfied with who I am not what I am. Or maybe I'm just lost.

Regardless with what my problems have been this past year, I want to start new. A new year and a new beginning to becoming what I want to be.. I want to be happy and healthy. I don't want to feel tired and have no energy after just waking up in the morning. I'm tired of my clothes being tight. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I'm tired of having to "watch what I wear" because it might make me appear more fat than I already appear. I'm tired of caring that others may think. I'm tired of thinking of my past every day of my life. I'm tired of being known as the fat girl. I am just plain tired of being tired.

So cheers, here's to a fresh start and a new beginning the old fat girl me.

What they say..

This whole blog thing is new to me, I figured in order to see progress I'd have to be able to write down what I'm feeling and when. This is sort of a way to "let my feelings out" without eating...Sort of take the place of eating. So first post.. Here goes.

They say you are what you eat.. They also say you have to feel good inside to feel good on the outside. I believe both these statements to be true.

Over the past year I've gained over 60 pounds... I'm not going to go throw out excuses or blame other people for me gaining weight. It's my own fault. No one put the food in my mouth and told me to swallow. I did it all on myself. However, food never makes me feel any better. It makes me feel worse even, maybe. I admit to being an emotional eater, I eat when I'm upset, angry, or sad. I eat to take away the pain. Of course it doesn't work and I eat more. It's a never ending cycle and I want it to end. Food has got the best of me and I'm ready to end this cycle. I'm not happy with my appearance and I'm ready for a change. However, with me change is hard and I admit it is hard to start. I just need someone to push my along when I'm starting and tell me that I'm doing well and to keep going! I need motivation.

My family went out to eat with aunt and her family last weekend.. we took some pictures and looking that them was quite depressing. I look and feel enormous and I'm tired of feeling like this.. January 1st will be the first day of the rest of my life. Let's just hope I can find my way and stick to it this time.